My dad is dying while I’m fifteen hours away from him pursuing study about our Earth

In two months, I will be back in our family house. I have spent almost one year in Trieste, studying in ICTP. It is easily going to be my favorite memory in life. I am surrounded by peers I respect and adore. I have never pushed myself as hard as this academically and I am really proud on what I have learned and become here. I love math and now I love the physics that lets us understand how our Earth works — at least an attempt to untangle its complexity.

I have trouble sleeping lately because of the structure loss with no classes and exams left. Last night, I actually slept well with the goal of visiting campus early in mind, after a morning run. However, as I read a text from my little sister that your condition was getting worse, I stopped my day and cried. It is still easy to imagine your condition as Mama made me have a video call with both of you some weeks ago. Your body is getting weaker and skinnier. You are losing your sight quickly. You could not send me proper daily messages anymore.

Papa, I love studying. I do not think both of you and Mama understand this, but I have always studied with environment and people in mind. Both of you did not really plant this in me because you had always directed me to either medical school or financial math. I am glad I guided myself to study mathematics as I see it as the fundamental of problem solving. I have always hoped it will grant me the doors to tackle more problems — and it does. It brought me here and it has been a life-changing experience for me as a scholar. Math and physics are much more than what I understood, but most importantly, my professors here show me that I am able to grasp it too.

However, more than the science and the attempt to understand our changing climate because of humanity, I simply live more here. I was wary before coming here, I could not comprehend what it will feel like to be the only Indonesian in a room. Surprisingly, that is what makes me love my time here. As I am away from our own country, I feel the closest to our culture and essentially of my own definition of what makes us Indonesian. Perhaps you could not relate to it, but for me, it is the friendliness and happy-go-lucky personality. Both are not what I show to both of you because I am quite reserved within family. Hence, I ask you to imagine that your child is actually known as the loud and smiley one among my peers. People would hear me first before seeing me because I am shorter than most of my friends here. I joke a lot with the Indonesian bad humor and I love our banters here. In here, we unite in togetherness through our study, stepping aside of our identity and cultural differences with respect and care.

The peak of me living as an Indonesian is also represented by my works here. All of my research projects stemmed from the problems in Indonesia or Southeast Asia. I see my works as a love letter to Indonesia and I know for sure that my motivation is always to contribute back to our country. From my time here, I fall in love even more with nature as I see the examples globally from my peers and experience in first hand here, in Europe. However, as I expand my knowledge globally, I come back with even more appreciation to our own country. I think we can agree on our love to our country.

I am telling this to you because I want to show you how far I have reached here. I hope you are proud knowing that one of your children is fighting happily here. I still feel your love to me even here, being fifteen hours away from you, with your daily messages and reminders. Thank you for your support and I am sorry for being such a hard and reserved child. I want to joke that I inherit this from you so I do not think you are surprised by my character. Mama did tell me once that I resembled you in this way. However, you have been soft too in the past years with your advice and lectures to me.

I want you to enjoy your last time even though it might sound selfish given your physical condition. I hope you can actually enjoy your last time knowing that I am trying my best to experience my life too. I eat well and I love eating together with my friends. I cook routinely, many times with friends, but I even love it more eating out with them and trying new food. I still try to draw and I will always say that I started to draw because of you as a child. Now, I try to make these cute bookmarks of botanical art for my friends as a parting gift. Music is a constant source of joy for me and I also think of you who fostered this to me as you blasted loud music on your speakers. These days, I think about coming back to Indonesia while listening to Utha Likumahuwa. You grew up in the East, maybe you also like him. You have always expressed concern if I run for too far, but I hope you know that I am stronger than you think. I still run routinely and it grounds me as I explore the nature here. I hit my furthest distance of 25 km here and I hope you are proud of my physical achievement too. Maybe I have the grit to run because essentially I am your child, a child of an ex-soldier who had forged his body before.

Papa, I hope you are happy. I try to be happy with you also in my mind and I hope that is enough. Thank you and I love you.

Trieste,
Your stubborn second child