First published on October 19 of 2025, I compiled snippets from my journal where I reflected my experiences with gender. I published this simply to honor myself. This is an evolving memoir on my journey with gender.

September 16, 2026: The joy I experienced during my one-year study abroad

I spent one year studying in an international research institution in Italy. I was surrounded by students from different walks of life. We came from different continents, we have different religions and beliefs, yet we are united by our dream to pursue mathematics and science. During my time there, I learned what it truly feels to have friends who accept you as you are. Despite our different beliefs, I realized when it comes to the people who matter, they will respect your identity and support you unconditionally.

My dear friend cried when she discovered that our institution wrote an article about me with the correct pronouns. Another good friend dissected my writing on queer experience with such care that it touched me. I got to banter freely with my friends about my attraction to women. Genuinely, it was a healing time because of the friends I found there.

I think I truly felt content with my gender identity and expression there. I don’t need to think twice about presenting too masculine that it might risk my safety in public. It is short season during the summer and I don’t feel the need to defend myself to not wear dresses, unlike in Indonesia.

I knew gender euphoria when my guy friends complimented my clothes and used masculine complimentary. However, funnily, I realized that I was flattered when a woman calls me pretty. I had always been defensive on being called pretty. I am sure because it usually comes from men and I was insecure about my gender identity that it sounds offensive to me. It is remarkable for me learn more things about myself especially as I found a healthier environment.

It has been two years since I update this journal and I am happy to say that being a nonbinary person has never been this fun before.

March 2, 2024: Rearticulating nonbinary identity

I’m a nonbinary and trans masculine person, but I do not wish to be reborn as a man. I love the fact that I can empathize with women and their struggle, thus I want to fight for their well-being and rights. However, in the end, that movement is targeted to free everyone. It is so people who express themselves femininely — regardless of their identity — can do it freely without misogynistic act oppressing them. This thought reinforced my identity as a nonbinary person because I only hope that everyone can be freed from social expectation and norms. No one should control your way of living–what you choose to wear, to be called, to do to your body, and to bring yourself. This is what I mean when I say–I’m a nonbinary person.

July 13, 2023: On coming out again

It has been more than a week after pride month and around the week of nonbinary awareness week. I think it would be great to write down my thoughts around gender and sexuality here as a new check point as it has been a long time since I write about it. In the end of 2020, I have acknowledged that I am a trans person. Since that moment, I have learned to identify myself as a nonbinary person. I use they/them pronouns with Nata as my chosen name. Now, I am happy, pleased, to say that I still identify this way. I considered using they/she pronouns to have smoother transition in Indonesia, but that does not give any justice and relieve to myself. Regarding sexuality and attraction, I was not comfortable with my sapphic attraction before. Internal homophobia is real and really harmful to a person, so I am grateful to be able to reach my current state. In the end, this quick note is just a reminder to check on myself — coming out again to myself. To say, our identity is valid and let’s fight for our own existence.

Somewhere in Mid 2022: Reflecting gender dysphoria, stereotype, and identity

When I was a child, I have shown distress in wearing dresses once I was given the freedom to choose the clothes I wanted. I cried in a family photo shoot because I had to wear a dress. I did not really enjoy any hair styling. Entering school, I only know that I was dissatisfied. I was not happy with what I have to wear and how I have to act or express myself. However, I was still very little, hence it only ended with dissatisfaction and my lack of confidence.

When puberty came, I saw how my body and girls’ around me changed. It was followed by the realization to the shitty reality of the stereotypes entitled to girls and women. Additionally, I realized that the society objectifies women. That’s the first major point of my discomfort with gender because that’s the time it was shoved to me that “I am supposed to be a girl.”

At that era, I had acknowledged that the idea of gender is weird, especially because of how our society mainstreams the idea (the binary gender). My favorite self question is, “What makes a girl a girl and a boy a boy? What is the meaning of being a woman?” in which I answered “I am pretty sure I don’t feel like one.”

My chest grew too and the gender dysphoria was developed ever since then. I did not have the language to call it dysphoria, but I do sure know that it has been in the back of mind since then.

Entering high school, I expanded my knowledge on the fluidity of gender and attraction. I acknowledged my discomfort with feminine expression, but I did not do much. I mean, I was in high school where I had to wear skirts. The idea of breaking through the norms had not came and I didn’t know that I can do it. I was not happy and not confident in my body too because of the dysphoria.

Fast forward, pandemic came and I faced a big challenge by the change of our social interaction which was fully done online. I hated seeing my face through the web camera because that was not the face that I saw in my mind. However, slowly that change gave me freedom. I got to dress however I wanted–oversized hoodies and stuffed hair, so my long hair seemed gone. It made me feel more comfortable with myself.

I also reclaimed myself as I picked up my hobby to run. A year after doing it, I felt my stamina increased and muscles toned. I can finally be comfortable with my body because it was affirming to know the toned muscles, even if it is not that significant. Write on Medium

At the end of 2020, days after my birthday, I cried really hard because it was the first time I acknowledged my gender dysphoria and everything was not okay. If I have to explain my dysphoria to others, it would be that the person I am who I know is not the person that I see in the mirror.

It was a sad moment, but a freeing one because after it, I started to try taking care of myself better when facing with dysphoria and gender stereotypes in daily interactions.

As the times slowly went, I tried to label myself as a nonbinary person and used they/them pronouns. Safe to say, it is a very affirming and positive experience for me.

To end this note, I want to deliver an important message that trans lives matter and their experiences are real. Gender dysphoria is real and it’s not just a phase or a trend. Take care of your trans friends or families. Lastly, educate yourself about the diversity of gender and how misogyny , which is the root of transphobia, is also the cause of problems that cis people experiences too.

End of 2020: Realization

Is it weird that I have my own idea of my body? I have always had this visualization that really is all up in my head and it has never been a reflection of my real physical self. I often wonder about when that imaginary was created. I have no idea and it is all blurry. However, I believe that it has been around forever. It is because I rarely see my reflection–then and now. I have always kept it all for my own imagination, that is what I believe as feeling more masculine. It is not that I want to be a certain boy or something, or want to avoid being a certain girl. It is just that–that is me! I am not a pear-shaped feminine body–I am a masculine-appeared person in my mind! I just really want to have a “default” body which is not feminine nor masculine.

Is it that bad? Is it bad that I do not accept the reality of my body shape and keep holding on the imagination that I have of my self?

I thought that by having my eyes back through surgery, I will be happy. I did. It is a whole new world for me to actually see my eyes and face clearly for the first time. However, now I am still devastated by my body. Will I ever be happy–content with my real self? Can I really be the person that I have always imagine as? I don’t know and I will never know if I actually make sense.