Kak, why do they hate us?

I wrote this journal entry to console myself after hearing rough comments in my past office. I want to put disclaimer that my past colleagues were exceptionally lovely people, but our differences were clear in this subject.

Kak, why do they hate us so much? I am tired of being disappointed by other people. Are we that disgusting for them? It’s as if we live by smashing mouths and bodies. As if we choose to ruin our bodies just for the thrill of it.

When I grew up, I could never imagine myself getting older. I simply could not see what I will become–the existence of choices and the possibilities to realize it. Not until I see people like us being visible. Until I learn that my queerness is my strongest weapon to live in this harsh world. Until I found myself loving the idea of myself.

I learned to be kind to myself and others, to question the status quo until everyone is protected, and to respect the nature containing endless spectrum of wonder we cannot comprehend. I learned that I could simply be.

How can my world not be shaken when my future is stolen by them? It is erased by their narrow assumptions of us. How can I be still knowing our people has existed throughout humanity, carving history until now. Our people, especially trans women, fought on the front line to protect everyone–to fight for women’s rights. Art, science, and culture flourished by our people’s touch.

Kak, will I be allowed to grow old? To let my body be freed of the societal expectations and to let myself hold my partner’s hand. It crushed me to know that I could not share this with them. However, will there still be others I can share this with? I know that you will answer yes–and I will hold on to it. Until then, I will take care of myself. I will console the old me by the mirror and greet you with the older me.