I have survived those times and this will pass too

Some “mantra” to help you get through uncertain times:

• how can you be late in life when its your life?
• your older self is begging you to enjoy right now
• make a list of the hard times you survived

Compared to my long overthinking, those essays by Tala effectively helped me to stay grounded.

During my last months at ICTP, Josef asked me, “How do you deal with an uncertain future?” My mind was quiet when he asked me that and the quietness surprised me. Let me explain the context first.

You see, I went through a one-year program that aims to help students from developing countries pursue a PhD. By the end of the program, half of the cohort had successfully secured something, be it a Master’s program or a PhD position. There’s a sense of urgency to secure a position, perhaps the ambition of the one-year program at a renowned place has seeped into us.

However, I also see urgency for survival. Some students couldn’t really afford to return to their home country. For some, their home is currently under a war. For others, they see a dead end to pursue higher education once they’re back to a country with poor facilities. In this sense, I understand my privilege to return back to Indonesia with comfort.¹ There’s no rush for me to keep moving forward except my own ambition. Frankly, settling back to Indonesian industry is also a solid option. I was already there before though it’s a challenge itself to return back to it.

When I realized it’s really hard for me to secure a PhD position during my study, my overthinking self was buzzing with self-questionings. And so I poured all of my focus to my diploma research project–to focus in the present. For several times, Nar would jokingly nag me to rest by saying, “Nata, this is not a PhD project. You should take it slow.” However, because of this, my mind was finally quiet when Josef gave me that question. Yes, my future is uncertain–I don’t know what will happen. However, I’ve given my all to my time here. People I respected recognized my effort and perhaps this is enough now.

However, it’s also important for me to address my obsession with time. I have this weird relationship with time because of some experiences:

• A two-month internship felt like a semester-worth of research project because I was obsessed and excited about the work.
• I somehow finished my undergraduate study with one semester earlier than other peers. I graduated alone with no peers from my major cohort.
• Recently, I finished a one-year intensive program, supposedly to be a Master’s level study and beyond, learning a new domain.

Perhaps by habit, I thought I have to always look for a new agenda or project, to race the time because I want to keep pushing myself. It’s as if my mind won’t be quiet until I’m juggling different tasks. When will I know when to stop? Even better, when will I learn that it’s okay to be stopped?

Interestingly, I found myself in humbling positions. It’s like the universe tries to humble me by showing that not everything will go as what I have put my mind into.

By the end of high school, I received comments like, “You’ve been the smartest at this subject, you will secure a good undergrad program quickly.” But I failed to get accepted to my genuine first choice and that really hit me. I had to wait until the exact end of the admission period to find myself admitted to my previous institution (still not my first choice). I learned the cruelity of luck, but also to understand grades and efforts don’t always guarantee something. Right now, I find myself to be in a similar position.

When I was 17, I thought life was already heavy as I was looking for undergraduate studies. I thought that was my end, maybe I peaked at high school.² But hey, I survived it! Everything went well in a way my 17-year self couldn’t predict. It went so well that I hoped to tell them, “Give yourself a slack! Have more fun. Many other things are out of your control anyway. Just focus on what you’re good at, being curious and excited learning something new.”

But more importantly, I want to remind myself, “Calm down, you will survive this too. Take care of yourself, just like how you hope everyone else could be as gentle to themselves.”