What do you run for, health or speed?

I thanked Jeffrey who asked this question to me before in the evening. It was during the fourth day of our orientation to our campus’ athletics club. It’s a nice question to reflect on when many people are chasing personal best of their speed. Not to say that it’s wrong, but getting lost in speed goals blurred the deeper reason of running for me.

My answer is health and specifically, it’s my mentah health. I coincidently started running as a practice for my high school final PE exam–the exact final one to end my high school years. I forced myself to do it too because I wanted a healthier body. It was years after I somehow decided “Exercising is not for me,” somewhere in middle high school, probably due to gender dysphoria.

A quote that I kept repeating to myself was, “I would rather waste my time outside, moving my body, rather than being stuck sticking my nose to these questions.” The final year of high school was quite brutal. It felt like a big race in which everyone tries to land on the best national universities they could get. I was frustrated and I found a healthier outlet through jogging.

And so I did it. I just jogged at first by telling myself that was how I take care of my body and I didn’t stop. It became a thereupatic activity, to let myself unwind from the space I lived in.

It fulfilled me. It’s always a freeing moment to feel the night breeze brushing my skin and I get to breathe the sharp cold wind. It’s an euphoric feeling to feel the soreness in my legs, the heat inside my body, and the sweats that indicate the hard work.

Months have passed and my body changed. It felt more toned and I can sense muscles in any other parts in my body are formed. It gave me a huge gender euphoria as I have struggled with gender dysphoria for so long. I felt more confident and I finally could try to accept my body as what I truly see and want. It is the version that I see, an attempt towards it. This is what I wanted and thankfully it’s something healthy so I can confidently say that is the best thing I can give to myself right now.

As time passes, I can finally see my body progresses and I’m glad I can feel my stamina increases. Running is the reason that my mental health, and at the same time my physical health, gets better.